HERE IS YOUR DAILY DOSE OF SATIRE TO HELP YOU SURVIVE THE PRESS RELEASES FROM THE VATICAN PRESS OFFICE

Eccles and Bosco is saved


How to write nice things about a Pope

Posted: 16 Mar 2018 05:42 PM PDT

This is an instalment in our self-help guide “How to be a good pope”, but is really intended for retired popes rather than ones still poping.It may happen to you that after a few years as the world’s holiest person you will decide to retire, in order to spend more time in prayer, contemplation, beer-drinking, piano-playing, reading the Eccles blog, and other activities suitable to your advanced years.

Pope Benedict reading a newspaper

“That’s three heresies already, and I only opened it for the weather forecast.”

Very good. The chap currently doing all the nitty-gritty pope stuff, such as writing ambiguous exhortations, insulting the ordinary Catholic, and praising Emma Bonino, should be left to tread his infallible path, now that you have decided to be fallible again.

But, horror! One day a pile of junk mail comes through your letter-box. It consists of a set of eleven slim volumes explaining the theology of your successor. What is worse, they want you to write something saying how wonderful it is.

Life is so dreadfully unfair. If the publishers had sent you Fifty more shades of grey, you could have sent it back saying that you only ever wore white; or if it was Building a bridge, you could have passed it on to some engineering friend. But theology is your thing, and you have to respond to the request.

Benedict XVI's letter

“There are many books that I shall never read, but these are the best.”

Now, if all they want is a snappy headline for their publicity, then, whatever you write, they will be able to extract a phrase and blur the remainder. Your carefully-chosen words “When people describe Pope Bosco [your successor] as a brilliant theologian, my head begins to overheat” will be boiled down to “A BRILLIANT THEOLOGIAN”, with the rest carefully obliterated.

Likewise, “Read these books? I’d rather watch the grass grow” will be edited into “READ THESE BOOKS”. Then again, “I’m 90 years old, and they think I can find nothing better to do” will become “I CAN FIND NOTHING BETTER”.

The moral is clear: write what you like about these books, and leave it to the boys at the Vatican to spin it whichever way they want.

About abyssum

I am a retired Roman Catholic Bishop, Bishop Emeritus of Corpus Christi, Texas
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4 Responses to HERE IS YOUR DAILY DOSE OF SATIRE TO HELP YOU SURVIVE THE PRESS RELEASES FROM THE VATICAN PRESS OFFICE

  1. Seriously, why should Pope Emeritus Benedict read the books when you know that Pope Francis will not. Pope Francis didn’t even write them. I doubt he writes anything that is published, but all is written and “edited” by his scribe.
    We must keep praying and praying for the pope and the Church. The Church is the Sacrament of Salvation.
    God hear us, God mercifully hear us!
    katey in OR

  2. Sheepdog094 says:

    Is Pope Benedict still Infallible?

  3. Mary Anne says:

    You can just say that You’re too tired, Holy Father.

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