HERE IS TODAY’S DOSE OF SATIRE TO HELP YOU SURVIVE THE FLOOD OF INSANE SPEECH COMING OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF CARDINALS

Eccles and Bosco is saved


Pope Francis becomes a constitutional monarch

Posted: 14 Feb 2018 10:59 AM PST

Catholics have the difficult task of reconciling the following two propositions:1. The Pope is the Vicar of Christ, the successor of St Peter, the big cheese of the Universal Church, and an all-round infallible bloke.

2. Pope Francis spends all his time making a fool of himself, his knowledge of Catholic doctrine is at best hazy, and he has the mindset of a South American dictator.

As a result of the GLORIOUS REVOLUTION OF 2018, the Pope is henceforth a constitutional monarch, whose duties are limited to opening supermarkets, having tea with visiting dignitaries, and carefully avoiding the expression of an opinion on any subject whatsoever.

Pope Francis and Queen Elizabeth

“And what do YOU do?”

In the end, a Pope limited to purely ceremonial activities (for example, he may offer Mass, but is forbidden to preach a homily) is a lot less trouble all round. “But won’t we miss the encyclicals and apostolic exhortations?” you ask. Well, actually, no we won’t. We are already bombarded with far too much stuff from popes. Given that Catholic teaching does not and *cannot* change, why do we need more verbose stuff with Latin titles to tell us this?

Ah, you may say, some issues never arose in previous centuries. Do transgender men cause climate change? Is it sinful to eat crocodiles on a Friday? How about crocodile-skin handbags? Should we destroy the Daleks, or would they be saved if they switched to wind power?

Dr Who and Davros

A Doctor of the church discusses theology with a leading Jesuit.

Well, there’s no point asking the Pope to rule on these issues. Synods don’t seem to be the answer, as Cardinal Baldisseri will only rig them. Ho hum, it may be all down to Ignatian discernment (= guesswork) after all.

Anyway, these are minor issues, and can be sorted out, provided that the general policy is conservative, i.e., change nothing.

Pope and Trump

“Have you come far?”

The Pope will of course be allowed to make a Christmas broadcast, just as his opposite number Queen Elizabeth, the Supreme Governor of the Anglican Church does.

“In January we visited Chile, and I had great pleasure addressing cheering crowds, which in some cases ran into double figures. I had such a good time that I have persuaded my friend Archbishop Scicluna to go there for a little winter break. We have also been making friends with the Chinese, and they tell us that from now on they will save us the trouble of appointing bishops, but simply pick them from the Central Committee of the Communist Party! Why didn’t we think of that before? Also I opened a new abortion clinic on the invitation of my good friend Mrs Bonino…”

Pope and crown

Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown.

Yes, from now on Catholicism makes a lot more sense. And when we get a new Pope, we can go back to the old system.

Valentine’s Day massacre to go ahead

Posted: 14 Feb 2018 04:29 AM PST

In Chicago, Cardin Al Capone has confirmed that, even though it is Ash Wednesday, the traditional Valentine’s Day massacre will go ahead.Cupich and big crozier

Cardin Al Capone – and isn’t that the biggest crook you ever saw?

As we’ve been told ad nauseam today is both Ash Wednesday, the start of Lent, and St Valentine’s Day, the day for buying chocolates, flowers, gin, scrubbing brushes, copies of Building a Bridge, etc. for your loved one, depending on their inclinations and how much you love them. But can we celebrate both at once?

Following his sensational lecture at the Von Heretic institute in Cambridge, at which he told the world that, although “strictly speaking” chastity is required (don’t you love that phrase?), it must sometimes be abandoned, Capone is now preparing to massacre the Catholic faith in other ways.

Pope and Cupich

“Did I appoint Cupich as a cardinal? Silly me, I mean Chaput!”

In particular the great man – the cardinal who put the “bile” in “papabile” – is launching a series of Amoris Laetitia seminars, to tell the US Bishops how to interpret it. A cheaper option would be to pulp all copies of AL and admit that it is a turkey, but… well, it’s too late now. Or is it?

Catholics are looking forward to seeing how the Vatican will celebrate Easter on April 1st (All Fools’ Day). It’s possible that an all-star line-up of celebrity fools will be present in Rome – Cupich, Marx, Kasper, oh the list is too long to give in detail. Then perhaps Pope Francis will surprise us by admitting “You’ve all been fooled! Amoris Laetitia was just a joke designed to test you! Now I know which of my cardinals to put up against the wall.” And out will come the papal machine-gun.

Cupich glasses

Out of respect for his office, Capone will be offered a blindfold.

No, I think not.

About abyssum

I am a retired Roman Catholic Bishop, Bishop Emeritus of Corpus Christi, Texas
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2 Responses to HERE IS TODAY’S DOSE OF SATIRE TO HELP YOU SURVIVE THE FLOOD OF INSANE SPEECH COMING OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF CARDINALS

  1. vasheepdog94 says:

    Eccles and Bosco is saved!

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