From Your QUORA DigestWhat are 5 things narcissists do?

Laney Zukerman, Author, Relationship Coach, MS, Psychology ProfUpdated Nov 19

Narcissists are not monsters or evil creatures, though they may at times appear that way. Narcissists have an agenda. They want power, control and dominance and go after what they want. In the end, they want you to know they are better than you and will be happy to show you why.

There are many things that true Narcissists do that challenge, upset, turn-upside down, manipulate and frustrate their targets. Especially those close to them or those they no longer have any use for.

Having said that, here is my take on the five main “keys” to look for when trying to spot Pathological Narcissism:

One. Charm and Calculation

They exude a great deal of charm and appear very personable and likeable.

Two. You are unique.

Within a short time they are your new BFF or love of your life and you can’t recall how you got to this point so quickly. They want to know EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU and make you feel “special”. You like that, who wouldn’t? They disarm you with flattery and idealization. You are in a trance-like state.

Three. Manipulation – The Tables Turn

Once they have ensnared you in their web through manipulation tactics, you will slowly have flashes of light and see that the relationship is all about them and what you can do for them. If you stay in their good graces and do everything precisely the way they want, they like you. You want to keep them happy so you cross more and more of your boundaries.

Four. They Increase the Heat and Cross More Boundaries

By now you are finding that your relationship with them is working on their terms and somehow you are invisible. You also can’t believe the lack of empathy, spitefulness, the punishments, the gaslighting, the machine-like responses when you try to voice your feelings. Ouch, that hurt, will run through your mind obsessively. This is where you will begin frantically researching answers on the internet. Narcissism will begin popping up and the boxes you will check off will blow your mind.

Five. This leads to How did I get here?

You may have seen some red flags here and there but you brushed them under the carpet. You can’t wrap your head around the fact that this relationship got to this point or how you permitted yourself to accept, rationalize and excuse the unreasonable, unfair and devaluing treatment. You may begin to question and confront more often. This often creates more devaluation or love-bombing depending on your standing with the Narcissist. Round and Round you go on the Merry-Go-Round.

Of course, relationships are complicated sometimes and relationships with Narcissists especially so. Do keep in mind that Narcissism runs on a spectrum whenever trying to make sense of what you are dealing with.

You may also want to read my popular answer here on Quora to help you make more sense of this dynamic.

How do psychopaths, sociopaths, and narcissists identify empaths?

Naming Five Things is only a fraction of the many challenges and experiences one faces when dealing with and identifying Narcissists. The ones that I list above are just a sampling but should hopefully help you identify some main red flags.

Laney Zukerman~The Relationship Coach, New York, NY, 10017 | Psychology Today

Laney’s is the author of two self improvement books on relationships.

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